I Am Invincible!

Well, not really. Last night Wicked Cool Riley and I had a Superbowl party at our apartment and in an effort to contribute somewhat to the festivities, I attempted to make guacamole. When you live with someone who cooks as well as my roommate, any kitchen endeavours you make can be intimidating, but doubly so when you’re someone as inept as me. I made a four-layer dip of refried beans, guacamole, sour cream, and cheese and I think it went over pretty well.

There are three things I miss about California: 1) sourdough bread (which exists on the East Coast but is not nearly as ubiquitous), 2) citrus, and 3) avocados. The nearest grocery store carries them, but they were each as hard a rock. Fortunately the grocer down the way (who only sells produce) had a few ripe ones. Some olive oil, lemon juice, salt, and garlic and onion salt and voila!, you have guacamole. (I hate onions, especially when raw which is why my recipe only includes onion salt.)

This year’s Superbowl lacked the emotional investment of last year’s (last year Bear’s–and mine by association, I suppose–team came in as the underdog against a team with a perfect season and won) and the commercials were equally lackluster with the exception of the Doritos Crystal Ball.

I am sick with a minor sinus infection, but I persevered and made it to the office this morning. One of my duties, of course, is reading queries for my bosses, a task which I sort of adore. My inner sadist likes to laugh at the ridiculous proposals we get and I admit that it is the major reason I love to dig through them.

Dear This Will Make A Great Movie Slush Slogger:
I’m sure it will. Why don’t you write a screenplay for said movie instead?

Dear Author Who Has the Same Name As His/Her Protagonist Slush Slogger:
How very interesting that this story is not blatant wish fulfillment.

Dear Writer of The Da Vinci Code Knockoff Slush Slogger:
You may write better than Dan Brown, but alas, you are not he.

Since I read a bazillion of these queries every day I’m in the office, I’ve discovered there’s a specific “formula” to these things that won’t make me reject the author after the first six words. It’s pretty simple, really; just keep it straightforward and professional.

Salutation
Dear Name of Agent. And my boss’s name, please. Not a generic salutation or a query to all the agents here.

Introduction
First things first: the title of your work, its length (in number of words, not pages), and its genre. You can include how you got my boss’s name and why you feel he is the best agent to represent your work and whatnot, but all that’s necessary is are those three things. Of note, nothing longer than 100,000 words please. Not that I’ll reject you ought of hand for anything up to about 120K, but 250K novels are pretty much an automatic no. YA and middle-grade are a bit shorter, from 60,000 to 90,000 but with the successes of Harry Potter and Twilight, this also has a bit of leeway.

Your hook goes here.
There are multiple posts detailing how to establish a good one, so I won’t go there. This is where things get subjective, so just focus on making it as strong as possible. No gimmicks, if you will. No plans for marketing. No tie-ins. Nada. Your book only.

Credits
If you’ve been previously published, this is a good place to put them. Only major publications, please. And by “major”, I mean magazines or e-zines that have a greater readership than just your mother and your friends. If you have none, it doesn’t matter. Just thank me for my time. Your hook is what will have grabbed me anyway.

Don’t try and be “cute.” I guarantee it won’t grab my attention, it will just annoy me and I am liable to reject you offhand. Call me biased and/or mean, but anyone trying to be “cute” is probably using a gimmick to get in the door.

But unlike Nathan Bransford, rhetorical questions don’t grate on my nerves.

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