I'm a Little Burned Out

I’m a bit burned out; I have two editorial letters to write, a manuscript to read and write a report for, and another for one of my newest critique partners. Unfortunately I think I am completely “read out” at the moment. I went through about 100 queries today for El Jefe and my brain isn’t functioning enough to write anything else coherent.

For your amusement, under the cut I submit my thoughts about the first 25 queries I read and why they did or did not work for me (and El Jefe). A few requests are in there which I think illuminates more my own personal tastes than anything else. Clearly I love anything with zombies. I love zombie fiction. (Still unsure about PRIDE & PREJUDICE & ZOMBIES though.) Mind you, anything I like has to be within the umbrella of what El Jefe would like, but my boss’s reading tastes are just about as broad and varied as mine.

1) One paragraph of vague description does not a hook make. Details are key.
2) The stakes are not high enough to make a compelling thriller: inciting event needs to have far-reaching consequences to make it interesting.
3) Claiming you’ve read a lot of books and can write one just as good if not better is just not a compelling reason to request you.
4) I love satires, but the voice isn’t scathing enough to be properly funny or effective.
5) Okay, I’ll admit it: I’m a sucker for metafiction. And 19th century London. And gothic novels. Request!
6) A book can indeed appeal to all ages but YOU need to pinpoint your specific audience.
7) Include your contact information! I shouldn’t have to mention this twice!
8 ) A series of vignette-like sentences does not add up to a coherent hook.
9) A plague of vagueness. Women’s fiction about battered wife learning to trust again. I’ve seen this a million times before. What makes it stand out?
10) Yes, I will admit it: already published writers (not self-pub) will get a request.
11) Does “200K+ words & fast-paced” seem like an oxymoron to anyone else?
12) REQUEST REQUEST REQUEST! US Civil War + zombies! I love zombies. We need more zombies in fiction.
13) Historical thriller set in South America involving Incan treasures and cocaine. Reminds me a bit of the National Treasure movies but set in a different country. (Another weakness of mine: movies like National Treasure and The Mummy.) Request.
14) Ehhhh, I’m not a fan of quoting large bits of your manuscript in the query. Also there is a brooding ruthless hero concealing an anguished soul longing for love and poetry. This trope is really tired, people. No.
15) Gay fiction, which I would love to see more of, but the hook is not strong or compelling enough.
16) Ack, medical non-fiction, my one blind spot when it comes to queries. I think this could have appeal, but platform is shaky.
17) Another medical non-fiction book. Self-pubbed, but with significant review by a well-known and well-respected person with far-reaching platform. Request.
18) YES, here is my first batshit insane query! I LOVE these!
19) Ugh, more medical non-fiction. What do I do with these? Help me! I wish El Jefe didn’t represent them.
20) And more medical non-fiction, although this one seems interesting to even me. Request.
21) Novel may be timely, but the story still needs to stand on its own.
22) I like Ancient Egypt & but the two narratives in this novel bear absolutely no relation to each other.
23) Another inspirational erotica! What is this? Is this a new up-&-coming trend I didn’t know about? Not for El Jefe but still, WTF?
24) I hate when a query has promise in the beginning that it completely loses by the end. Hook is awesome science-fiction about video games, story is decidedly less so.
25) Look, just because you’ve lived a life doesn’t mean you should write a memoir about it.

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