Beyond Heaving Bosoms by the Smart Bitches
Last night I was rereading the Smart Bitches‘ BEYOND HEAVING BOSOMS because I was in the mood for nonfiction and a few laughs. I cannot recommend this book enough to people for their interesting and well-read insights on the genre, as well as their snarky-yet-intelligent examination of romance, feminism, and fiction.
The other reason I reread was to reassure myself I wasn’t alone.
Alone in what, you ask? You don’t even read romance! True, but tropes that occur in romance novels also occur in romantic storylines and I just wanted to make sure other women found the overbearing alpha male just as obnoxious as I do. Okay, so maybe no one else finds the alpha as obnoxious as I do, but it’s gratifying to know that THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE who find this hero problematic.
Traditional alpha qualities include: obvious physical masculinity (tall, good-looking, broad-shouldered, narrow-hipped), strong personality (confidence, competence, courage–lots of “c” qualities), and a protective nature.
None of these traits are inherently bad; in fact, I would argue they are good qualities. I myself like strong personalities. Obvious masculinity doesn’t go amiss with me either. (I like strong noses and evil eyebrows. …what?) Protective natures…I take with a grain of salt.
Feeling protective of those you love is to be commended! I am fiercely loyal to my friends and family and protective of their honour, but only when it needs to be defended. Which isn’t often. Mostly because my loved ones are that awesome. And can usually defend themselves.
I think there’s a difference between feeling protective and being protective. I have no problems with the former but have issues with the latter. Because being protective can manifest itself in this hateful phrase:
FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.
Excuse me while I RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE. At the expense of sounding like Old Skool Locke from Lost but “You can’t tell me what to do!” I hated hearing that phrase when I was a teenager and I hate it even more now because I feel like it brings out the absolute worst character traits in the parties involved.
Agency? What agency?
When a hero tells a heroine that he’s doing something “for her own good”, my hackles rise. What, he feels like she doesn’t know what’s for her own good? Why? Is she too dumb? Too frail? Too feminine? What? I thought we were past the days when women were considered second-class citizens. She is perfectly capable of making informed decisions, thankyouverymuch! You can offer your input, but she will decide. But when the hero does something for the heroine’s “own good”, I see red. My feminist upbringing demands that the heroine stand up to the hero and prove him wrong. She is perfectly capable of doing things for her own good, thanks ever so!
Fie! I Defy You!
…except when she’s not. That’s the worst. The heroine’s response to “for your own good” can go a few ways. She may defy him on principle. I think I might hate that more. Look, lady, I’m all for you proving your independent ways, but I’m also keen on you making informed decisions. You may have the same knee-jerk reaction I do to the phrase “for your own good”, but please, please, please, don’t go around making reckless choices to prove a point. It’s probably for your own good that you don’t jump out of an airplane without a parachute. He might have said so first, but I certainly hope you come to that conclusion on your own. (And preferably before he even had to open his mouth.)
But you know what’s worse than worst? When she proves him right. It’s one thing to passively go along with what the hero tells you to do. I don’t like it, but some people are easily persuadable. Maybe this heroine is one. Maybe by the end of the novel she learns it’s time to grow a backbone. I’m all for it! Go, spine-growing, go! But when she objects to his (possibly well-meaning, if rage-inducing) concern and then does precisely what he warns her against…I have no words. The Smart Bitches call this the TSTL (Too Stupid To Live) Heroine and, you know what? You get your just desserts, lady. I have no pity.
A Man To Take Care of Me
Of course, I am probably more sensitive to this than most. I love the TV show Bones, but sometimes Booth rubs me the wrong way. I love the show and I love the characters (especially Sweets), but I especially love the Heart vs. Head dynamic between the two leads. Dr. Brennan, as brilliant as she is, is pretty stupid when it comes to emotions and social interaction. (I love her.) Booth is more heart than brains and the two of them balance each other pretty well.
Except when Booth gets kind of patronizing about it. It’s well-acknowledged by everyone on the show that Brennan is awkward (but she’s trying her best!) because she doesn’t quite understand the complexities of how other people feel. Okay, her deficiencies are acknowledged and addressed, yet sometimes still Booth persists in being condescending or dismissing her thoughts “because he knows better”. WHY, BOOTH, WHY? In an otherwise well-written show, why do you persist on being like this? It’s never quite said, but I swear, I can sometimes hear the words “little lady”.
(It hurts more because I like this show so.)
It drives me crazy when it doesn’t bother my friends. I understand that a lot of women have fantasies of a big strong man to protect them. There are reasons the alpha male (in both fiction and real life) is so successful. But what bothers me is that so many of my friends don’t notice condescension when it does arise. Sometimes they even think it’s sexy. GAAH! Listen, I know it’s nice to know your significant other is looking out for you. I even know the desire to feel “small and protected in his arms” because I’ve felt it myself. (Against my will, but I’ve felt it.) Those feelings and desires are absolutely valid because I believe all feelings and desires are valid.
But condescension? Being patronizing? Not okay. Those aren’t feelings; those are actions and I find them demeaning. Demeaning is not sexy.
I seem to be in a ranty mood this week! Sorry about that. But I think I’m starting to reach a breaking point in my reading.
Have you ever heard the term “mansplaining”? It’s fairly new around the feminist blogosphere, but it’s a word I instantly understood without having to be told what it meant, which I think would be true of most women. It’s when a man explains something to you in that way that men can do, like they’re TEACHING you, like you’re their protege hanging on every valuable word, it never occurring to them that you already know that or just don’t care. And perfectly wonderful and well-meaning men (aka every man in my family) do this, not just the sexist jerks. They learn it from the way our culture socializes them, that they’re to be listened to and we’re to listen.
I think a lot of women turn a blind eye to this kind of latent misogyny, so much so that they don’t even notice it. And that’s what’s stalled equal rights in this country. So many women think feminism is, like, over. We’re equal, it’s cool! Except we’re not, and not only is that reflected in big ways, like how women earn 70-something cents for every man, but it’s reinforced in all the little things we let slide, like when we let a man condescend to us because it’s just easier or ‘nicer’ to keep your mouth shut.
And part of it is that, yeah, when you’re really tuned into sexism, you see it EVERYWHERE. For instance, it WILL ruin televisions show you used to like for you. Sometimes I wish I could just turn it off and go with the flow too, but then things don’t change.
Ha, okay! I’m done now. See, you’re not the only one who gets ranty about these things.
I actually mentioned “mansplaining” in my post, but I ended up taking it out because while mansplaining and condescension can overlap, it’s a little tangential to what I was talking about, which was the alpha male.
It drives me freaking insane when my friends don’t consider themselves feminists. I’m sorry, but do you believe men and women are equal? If the answer is yes (and it’s always yes) THEN YOU ARE A FEMINIST. You are not a feminist when you believe men and women don’t deserve equal rights. We are, in some ways, living in a post-feminist world because we are raised from childhood to hold these beliefs to be true, but internalized sexism is a huge problem. ARGH.
The smartest thing the reactionaries and misogynists ever did was to convince the world that ‘feminist’ was a bad word. Now it carries this connotation of being some fringe-dwelling man-hater who lectures everybody and never wears a bra, so of COURSE lots of women and even more men don’t want to identify as one.
Yes, yes, yes to everything you’ve said. The worst problem is that women have unconsciously been made complicit in our own oppression.
great post as usual!